Push and Pull

I can't let myself process the feelings that I should be feeling right now. Heartbreak, fear, sadness, alone. With graduation less than six days away, there is too much at risk. It's strange how the body knows this instinctively. It shuts down. Feeling numb. Survival mode.

I consider myself a forgiving person, especially of people I love. I'm not claiming all the credit though. I attribute it mostly to my poor memory.  Maybe I just block it all out. Regardless of why, as time ticks on, anger fades, and thoughts and memories are pulled out with the tide.

There are things I cannot tolerate; verbal and physical abusive behavior top the list; the rest are variations thereof.

• Those who put me down because of who I am -- a queer, bisexual, bipolar, feminist woman.
• Those who do not respect the space around my body, my boundaries, and my word

Of all the things to remember, these are imperative. Yet, I continually find myself in situations in which these come to play.

It stops here. I will tattoo this in my brain if not on my skin. I have let my soul be beaten down too many times. I will no longer be pushed, put down, disrespected, and told that I did this to myself. The only reason I am to blame is for putting up with it thus far. What may seem like an insignificant action has lasting effects on the soul. There is no excuse. Ever. I will no longer be a pushover.

Breaking habits is hard. Especially when your addiction is a person. The comfort of knowing someone is there. I have done this dance too long. The push and pull. I thought it was over. It is apparent that it's not.

2008: Year in review

        Okay so it's a new year...again. That does tend to happen.

        Since I haven't written an entry since March, I decided to write a brief overview of what I have done in the past year (2008- in semi-chronological order):

  I quit school (Dec 07) at a college in Georgia.
  I went to University of Phoenix for the spring while trying to figure out where I wanted to be.
  I lived with my sister for the first six months...
  I got into my first car accident.(and cried... a lot!)
  I moved back to Texas.
  I turned 20.
  I moved to Austin, got my own apartment, and enrolled in community college.
  I paid my first rent...on time.
  I got my first job as a waitress.
  I quit my first job as a waitress.
  I voted.
  I had my 2nd vegan Thanksgiving (I had it with my second family: they are my best friends family but I consider them my family.)
  I went to the Prop 8 protest in front of the Capital.
  I was served a non-vegan lasagna. I got a stomach ache and $15 gift certificate out of it.
  I got three A's and one B in school.
  I applied for the University of Texas.
  I went to my first (and last) Camp Camp.
  I read the Twilight Saga in two weeks.
  I had Christmas in Georgia with my sister, her family, my mom, and brother.
  I watched Twilight in theaters (four times..I know I'm lame).
  I received my rejection letter from UT.

        So, that is my year in review. I know no one reads these but I feel it would be rude not to ask, how was your 2008?

Things that I am looking forward to in 2009:
  Barack Obama
  The Twilight Saga: The Official Guide [Book] (Feb. 1)
  KNOW1NG [Movie] (March 20)
  Maybe a road trip up to the Seattle/Portland/Olympic Peninsula areas (spring break)
  Twilight Special Edition DVD (Tentative date: March 21)
  2012 [Movie] (June)
  Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince [Movie] (July 17)
  My 21st Birthday (Aug. 8)
  New Moon [Movie] (tentative date: Nov. 20)
  Lovely Bones [Movie] (Dec.)
  S. Darko [Movie]
... I am sure there is more but I can't think of any at the moment...

        And last of all... my new years resolution(s). I normally don't do new years resolutions just because I feel if your going to do something than you should just do it. You shouldn't have to wait for a new year to start or only do something for a year. I just think it is an excuse (oh, I'll exercise for my "new years resolution"...next year). Like I said, I am going to be a hypocrite and make a new years resolution (fingers crossed that it will stick!). I am going to write an entry for this blog AT LEAST once a week.

        Now that I said that, I will probably never follow through...
        See you in a week? :-)

-M

Okay since last post it seems though everything with drinking has slowed down. Which I am completely and unutterably thankful for!

As of today, I am good. I had the most odd dream last night. I dreamt that Hillary, (yes , Hillary Clinton) Hired me (yes, poor old me) to be the face of her campaign. She wanted me to be the "President" and she would be the brains, but to everyone else we were one person??? (I think she wanted me because I could pass as her??) Anyway, it was weird. As the dream was closing, I started realizing later in my life people would only see me as her an I could not have my own life. People would only see me as Hillary Clinton, not as Meredith.

Strange.....

Any relevance to my life?...

We'll see.....


-m