Push and Pull

I can't let myself process the feelings that I should be feeling right now. Heartbreak, fear, sadness, alone. With graduation less than six days away, there is too much at risk. It's strange how the body knows this instinctively. It shuts down. Feeling numb. Survival mode.

I consider myself a forgiving person, especially of people I love. I'm not claiming all the credit though. I attribute it mostly to my poor memory.  Maybe I just block it all out. Regardless of why, as time ticks on, anger fades, and thoughts and memories are pulled out with the tide.

There are things I cannot tolerate; verbal and physical abusive behavior top the list; the rest are variations thereof.

• Those who put me down because of who I am -- a queer, bisexual, bipolar, feminist woman.
• Those who do not respect the space around my body, my boundaries, and my word

Of all the things to remember, these are imperative. Yet, I continually find myself in situations in which these come to play.

It stops here. I will tattoo this in my brain if not on my skin. I have let my soul be beaten down too many times. I will no longer be pushed, put down, disrespected, and told that I did this to myself. The only reason I am to blame is for putting up with it thus far. What may seem like an insignificant action has lasting effects on the soul. There is no excuse. Ever. I will no longer be a pushover.

Breaking habits is hard. Especially when your addiction is a person. The comfort of knowing someone is there. I have done this dance too long. The push and pull. I thought it was over. It is apparent that it's not.