Push and Pull

I can't let myself process the feelings that I should be feeling right now. Heartbreak, fear, sadness, alone. With graduation less than six days away, there is too much at risk. It's strange how the body knows this instinctively. It shuts down. Feeling numb. Survival mode.

I consider myself a forgiving person, especially of people I love. I'm not claiming all the credit though. I attribute it mostly to my poor memory.  Maybe I just block it all out. Regardless of why, as time ticks on, anger fades, and thoughts and memories are pulled out with the tide.

There are things I cannot tolerate; verbal and physical abusive behavior top the list; the rest are variations thereof.

• Those who put me down because of who I am -- a queer, bisexual, bipolar, feminist woman.
• Those who do not respect the space around my body, my boundaries, and my word

Of all the things to remember, these are imperative. Yet, I continually find myself in situations in which these come to play.

It stops here. I will tattoo this in my brain if not on my skin. I have let my soul be beaten down too many times. I will no longer be pushed, put down, disrespected, and told that I did this to myself. The only reason I am to blame is for putting up with it thus far. What may seem like an insignificant action has lasting effects on the soul. There is no excuse. Ever. I will no longer be a pushover.

Breaking habits is hard. Especially when your addiction is a person. The comfort of knowing someone is there. I have done this dance too long. The push and pull. I thought it was over. It is apparent that it's not.

Transmission Repeat (a poem)

NO ONE CAN COMMUNICATE THEIR PROBLEM.
WE CAN'T ARTICULATE A SOLUTION.
SO WE JUST YELL OUR PERCEPTION,
AND BLAME EVERYONE ELSE.
NO ONE FIXES THEIR PROBLEMS.
SO WE ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT THEM.
 

The B Word

       I think I have finally found the puzzle piece that has been missing out of my life the past 5 years. It has been a constant roller coaster ride, with lots of loops and dead drops. I would have asked myself why, but I thought it all was normal.

       Being diagnosed with bipolar is strange. Unless in an intense manic or depressive episode, it's hard to believe. Imagine someone telling you that you are not in control of how you feel. In that case, Is any emotion authentic?

       I was diagnosed a little over a year ago. I have spent this past year running from the word. "Bipolar." It was definitely not a word I would have ever used to describe myself, despite my sometimes "crazy" life. I didn't tell anyone but my mom and girlfriend. Even then, I just told them that I went to see this crazy psychiatrist. "You'll never believe what she said." I put it behind me, and went on with my life.

       Anyone who knows me knows that my love life has been anything but stable. Regardless of how hard I try, I can't seem to keep a steady relationship -- with anyone. This sadly includes my friends. I'd gotten this far by blaming everyone around me: my girlfriend with her anger and commitment issues, my flaky friends, you name it. Even when my gf began to work on her problems, and started to become the person she always wanted to be, I pushed her away, not wanting to evaluate my own demons.

       This past summer, I decided to bite the bullet, and really spend time working on making a relationship work. It was something that I had pretended to do for quite a while. After 3 years of pretending, it was time to make it work, or move on. I owed it to my gf to let her go if I couldn't love her.

       The first few weeks were amazing. I accessed a deeper love. A love that I never even knew I had in me. Somewhere in the depths of my mind, I doubted if it was even sustainable; the term "honeymoon period" haunted me.

       Sure enough, some fights arose, followed by more happiness, and more fights. Despite the fighting, this period was characterized by an overall hopefulness, and the clearing of the haze that surrounded my future. These were feelings that I hadn't felt since we met.

       The fights began to increase in duration. Even when we were "happy," I was miserable. I didn't understand. It had only been a little over 3 months since my summer resolution. That's when it hit. The familiar depression. Sleeping began to take priority over everything. I had to fight the urge to skip classes, quite my job, and resign myself to my cold bedroom, comfy covers, and endless dreams. I realized for the first time that I had a problem.

I began to think back...

       - 5 years ago: I stopped taking medication when I graduated high school in an attempt to liberate my body, and become straight edge vegan.

       - I had my first major depressive episode. Couldn't get out of bed, didn't know what day it was. It was bad.

       - My anxiety and continued depression got so bad that I dropped out of the college that I was attending and moved back home. After 6 months, I decided to move to Austin.

       - Anxiety still ruled my life. The only way I maintained control of myself was controlling everything I could around me.

       - After 10 months of living in Austin, I began to feel a change. "Something is coming," I wrote in my diary. It was going to be my worst manic episode, and would leave a wide path of destruction.

       - After that, I gave up watching the ups and downs of my life in favor of experiencing the roller coaster. Which included numerous, and sometimes infamous, fights.

       - Almost a year after my manic episode, depression hit when I found out that my ex was seeing someone else.

       - A years later, I dropped out of school yet again. I didn't give a fuck.

       - I pulled myself out of it. I had convinced myself years ago that my problems with depression, and anxiety were over, but something was off. I decided to see a psychiatrist. She was the one who diagnosed me with bipolar.

       - Now, a year later, just as I'm settling in, and finally ok with where my life is heading, the big bad wolf comes knocking on my door.

       This time, I'm not going to let it ruin all that I've worked for: my college career that's about to produce a diploma, a healthy relationship, and my plans to move. Sometimes, I want to give up, but I'm gonna fight this sucker. With an appointment on the books to see a psychiatrist in 13 days, all I can do it try and keep my resolve until then. Oh, and try to keep my life from crumbling down on top of me.

       M

No Internet?!

        Last night, after getting back from my other family’s house pretty late (close to midnight), I was about to settle down in my room with my computer to write a little on my computer, or check my email when I realized that I had left my charger plugged in at their house…and my laptop was completely dead. As I stood there trying to think of alternate modes of entertainment, I was shocked at how empty I felt with out being able to get on the Internet. I know, this is really pathetic and unacceptable but I soon realized that I am honestly addicted to the Internet. (The first step is admitting it. Right?)
        I then decided to snuggle up with the book that I am currently reading. The problem was that it is Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë. I have been trying to make myself more learned by reading classics (At least, I plan to. Wuthering Heights is my first attempt.) but I still have a hard time with the unfamiliar vocabulary. I usually read with my computer my by side, to look up words that I don’t know, and a pen in my hand, to write their meanings in the margin. Without my computer I was forced to use an actual spine-bound dictionary! Can you believe it?! At first, I was really put out by the extra amount of effort that it took me to look up each word: Having to look up 2-5 words per page (or 5 min…because the type is small) was really a hassle. After a while, though, I found that it wasn’t too bad. I got used to it pretty fast. I know now, though, since I have my charger back, I will go right back to using the convenient dictionary at my fingertips. But who knows, maybe I won’t. I’ll just have to wait and see.
        Not using the Internet for a night reminded me of an event that I participated in last year called Earth Hour. Earth Hour is an annual worldwide event created by WWF (the World Wildlife Fund) to help raise awareness for the need to find a solution to global warming/climate change. People are urged, every year, to turn of their (non-essential) lights and appliances for one hour on the last Saturday of March. Earth Hour 2009 will be held on Saturday, March 28 at 8:30 PM.
        So I guess, I challenge people to try to go ¬¬so many hours without technology (as little as one or as many as five). You can interpret the term ‘technology’ however you would like: maybe you could just do without internet/TV, or maybe you would like to exclude all electronics (including lights). Any way you choose, I think it is an interesting lesson on what we can truly “live without”. Perhaps in the time that you spend without your technological comforts you could pick up a book and open up a whole new world.
        If you don’t choose to participate in my challenge, I highly suggest that you try to participate in Earth Hour this coming March and to get as many people involved as you can.

To learn more about Earth Hour, you can visit:
EarthHour.org
Wikipedia.org

-M

2008: Year in review

        Okay so it's a new year...again. That does tend to happen.

        Since I haven't written an entry since March, I decided to write a brief overview of what I have done in the past year (2008- in semi-chronological order):

  I quit school (Dec 07) at a college in Georgia.
  I went to University of Phoenix for the spring while trying to figure out where I wanted to be.
  I lived with my sister for the first six months...
  I got into my first car accident.(and cried... a lot!)
  I moved back to Texas.
  I turned 20.
  I moved to Austin, got my own apartment, and enrolled in community college.
  I paid my first rent...on time.
  I got my first job as a waitress.
  I quit my first job as a waitress.
  I voted.
  I had my 2nd vegan Thanksgiving (I had it with my second family: they are my best friends family but I consider them my family.)
  I went to the Prop 8 protest in front of the Capital.
  I was served a non-vegan lasagna. I got a stomach ache and $15 gift certificate out of it.
  I got three A's and one B in school.
  I applied for the University of Texas.
  I went to my first (and last) Camp Camp.
  I read the Twilight Saga in two weeks.
  I had Christmas in Georgia with my sister, her family, my mom, and brother.
  I watched Twilight in theaters (four times..I know I'm lame).
  I received my rejection letter from UT.

        So, that is my year in review. I know no one reads these but I feel it would be rude not to ask, how was your 2008?

Things that I am looking forward to in 2009:
  Barack Obama
  The Twilight Saga: The Official Guide [Book] (Feb. 1)
  KNOW1NG [Movie] (March 20)
  Maybe a road trip up to the Seattle/Portland/Olympic Peninsula areas (spring break)
  Twilight Special Edition DVD (Tentative date: March 21)
  2012 [Movie] (June)
  Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince [Movie] (July 17)
  My 21st Birthday (Aug. 8)
  New Moon [Movie] (tentative date: Nov. 20)
  Lovely Bones [Movie] (Dec.)
  S. Darko [Movie]
... I am sure there is more but I can't think of any at the moment...

        And last of all... my new years resolution(s). I normally don't do new years resolutions just because I feel if your going to do something than you should just do it. You shouldn't have to wait for a new year to start or only do something for a year. I just think it is an excuse (oh, I'll exercise for my "new years resolution"...next year). Like I said, I am going to be a hypocrite and make a new years resolution (fingers crossed that it will stick!). I am going to write an entry for this blog AT LEAST once a week.

        Now that I said that, I will probably never follow through...
        See you in a week? :-)

-M

Okay since last post it seems though everything with drinking has slowed down. Which I am completely and unutterably thankful for!

As of today, I am good. I had the most odd dream last night. I dreamt that Hillary, (yes , Hillary Clinton) Hired me (yes, poor old me) to be the face of her campaign. She wanted me to be the "President" and she would be the brains, but to everyone else we were one person??? (I think she wanted me because I could pass as her??) Anyway, it was weird. As the dream was closing, I started realizing later in my life people would only see me as her an I could not have my own life. People would only see me as Hillary Clinton, not as Meredith.

Strange.....

Any relevance to my life?...

We'll see.....


-m

A New Year Approaches, But Still the Same Problems

It is getting close to the new year. Today is the 28, only a few more days. Recently my sister and I, although we are not very close, have been talking. She brought up the topic of our mother, who has been known to abuse alcohol. I guess since I have been away at college for the past months, since August, and not living with her, I didn't really realize that she was still drinking. I knew she was, I guess, it just didn't occur to me, because I wasn't experiencing it, that it was still a problem. It seems stupid of me to think that now. How mindless and naive was I being. It's not like me being displaced from her drinking made her problem any better.

Well since I have been back over the holidays, we have dodged what could have been potential drinking disasters..which is good. But one can't get too comfortable with these calms...because they are, as the cliche goes,the calm before the storm. Oh, how like clock-work the drinking starts again.

I understand the problems at work she has been having have really hurt her personally and emotionally, but to me all I hear when she recounts these episodes are another excuse to drink another glass. Drink to the people who 'beat up' on her.

Don't get me wrong, my mother is one of the people I love most in this world, and I don't think that these people at her work (a particular department store) have any right to treat her they way they do. But her drinking because of the crap they give her, is stupid. It's beating herself up even more, if that makes any sense.

Now I am sitting here thinking about what crap she is putting herself through so selfishly. She is not only hurting herself but the family as well. All I can think of is where will it end. It is not as if we don't care for her, all we want for her is the best.

I have heard that it takes a life changing event to stop these speeding trains, so to speak, but isn't that what she has already had? A potentially (thank goodness it wasn't) lethal accident, a pending divorce, aren't these wake-up calls enough? Not to even mention the things you can't take a look at, the damage being done to her body. The last thing on earth I would ever want to happen would be to loose my mother before "her time".

My father, he is a different story. Yes, he has drinking issues of his own, but I think he his capable of pulling himself out of it (being that he wants to). But I don't see my mother getting real help for herself. Yes, she goes to therapy, but she doesn't want to change. She is perfectly happy drinking her self into "early retirement", and that scares me to death.

I don't want to know what it has to take for her to wake up if the things that have already happened didn't do the job. I have been to Ala-teen/Ala-non and know how to live "one day at a time", but what happens when your scared to?